As of former veteran and martial arts instructor, I used to take the time to sit away from windows in restaurants in case of snipers, with my back to a corner, in case of attack, and keeping track of customers coming and going in case of an ambush, but then I came to prison and made a conscious decision to free myself from all of that harmful preoccupation. Strangely, it took imprisonment to free my mind from paranoid conditioning, but, since that same military-minded neurosis played a part in the psychotic break and the tragic death that brought me here, maybe it’s not so surprising after all.

Most people in prison are racked with painful paranoia. Either they are brought here already that way, drug-addled, or they quickly develop it as what (they think) is a necessary survival mechanism. Now, I am likely not the average kind of person, much less a person in prison. I don’t fear death. As far back as I can recall I never have. The first time I tried to commit suicide, I was three, and it was because I found this “real world” to be rather boring compared to the worlds I visit in my dreams. I later even created a happy-death Tulpa best friend to get me through tough times (we’ve since parted ways). I do not fear pain. When I was five I endured a series of violently invasive surgeries without anesthetics (thanks soviet union!). I do not fear rape. I was sexually assaulted when I was 7, and, though it took well past my teens to work through those psychological scars, they have healed. I used to fear the loss of my loved ones, and, despite much loss, I understand that it is still a point of continued anxiety, but I do not let it dictate my relationships. I strive to be philosophical about the ever-changing nature of existence, and, instead of closing myself off from new relations, I work to be intentionally open, sincere, and generous to others. There is pain in being let down it is true, but to preemptively close ourselves off is to deny ourselves and others the personal growth we all require to progress as people. It is a self-stifling form of cowardness to close oneself off from emotional involvement just because all things are transient. while we are alive we might as well embrace our experiences courageously- mindfully free from fearful reservations.

If I were still afraid of anything, it would be to lose my mind (again), but fear is “the mind-killer,” and it is itself an initiation to madness, so I let that go as well. Contrary to popular belief, fear is a useless primitive mind state. Mindless terror will get you or worse your loved ones killed. Intelligent caution may well save your life but fear will only poison it, so I do not fear, but I do, occasionally, feel that anxiety that is an unnamed chemical imbalance, but I don’t feed into it. I meditate on it, observe it, question its origin, and maybe (prescription) medicate it, but I don’t fear it. What I am is passionate. I am passionate about finding ways to end pointless death, needless suffering, and all forms of rape. I am passionate about teaching freedom through critical thinking, harmony through great compassion, and the enlightenment-uplifting of all my fellow earthlings. Fear has no place in those things.