I can whole heartedly say that I am healthier and happier now than I ever was when I was “free.” Not because being in prison is good, but because losing everything and then choosing to live left me with only one way to go: Up.

Before, I always hid my mental illness, shied from the deepest introspection, and fought with my inner-Selves. Whether it was military or law enforcement, I habitually avoided any official aid that could compromise my career. I knew I was gambling with my life, and I didn’t care. I genuinely never imagined I was putting anyone but myself in danger. I was so wrong.

After the terrifying psychotic break, which led to the death of a friend (who had only been courageously trying to keep me from hurting myself), followed by my immediate imprisonment, I struggled for years with suicide. That was not a new concept for me (I had first tried to kill myself when I was 3 years old), but to so thoroughly lose everything? My friend, my ethics, and my reputation? All our fur-babies, our future together, and all our possessions – gone. To fail everyone and everything so completely? This was a new low even for me. And all the while, I continued to hallucinate, to indulge
in ever more delusional beliefs… and to loath myself.

My Beloved convinced me to continue; with unflinching Reason and limitless Compassion, she pushed me forward through the insanity. I was challenged to not nearly survive but to thrive, so I set to work. I faced My selves. I explored the past traumas that led to the various “aspects” of myself and embraced them. Instead of suppressing those parts of myself, I learned to harmonize with them, and lifted myself – All of Myself – out of the disease of despair. Antipsychotics did not work for me; they had devastatingly numbing effects that only underlined my fletchling will to live. I used lesser medications (for depression and anxiety respectively) to help equalize my brain chemistry while I continued to work on myself (there are no “therapists” in prison, only drugs).

I faced my delusions and used empirical ethics (such as my mantra “No matter whether Dream, Delusion, or Dystopia, always Do Least Harm”). I navigated through my harmful beliefs. Now, I still hallucinate, and some of my beliefs are certainly “different” from the norm, but I have reconciled how to exist as myself in an ethical and happy way. I did not accomplish this alone. My Beloved was there with me/us all the way. And our discovery of IFS, the fairly new self-help psychiatry called Internal Family Systems, connected with me better than any other organized methodology had before. I may be one unlucky bastard, but one thing I am lucky in is Love. Not everyone is as fortunate. Happily, the people reading this are probably not restricted forever by prison walls, yet even if so, there is still hope. Certainly, more hope than I had for the half hour of my disastrous psychotic break. And so I leave you with this: Look within yourselves, and do not recoil. Reach out with healing compassion, and help Yourselves Up, because the world is a Better place with you in it. And remember we are not alone. We are in this Together.